Hard Conversations

Next week is a major holiday in the U.S., and that brings with it visits to family, and often tense conversations with people who fundamentally oppose the things you believe in deeply. Part of me wishes I could be like Mrs. Frazzled on TikTok with her "gentle parenting adults" videos. In them, she talks to adults, often relatives, as though they were children, explaining such things as why "Happy Holidays" is not a war on Christmas, or how people using their pronouns is not hurting uncle Norm's body, just his feelings.

While I don't think infantilizing our relatives is a viable strategy for most of us, there are a few phrases I think will go a long way when someone states conspiracy as fact, or wants to dismiss objective reality out of hand.

• "Why do you say that?"
• "Where did you get that idea?"
• "That's a pretty big claim. Where's the data?"
• "I don't know if you know this, but what you said is actually pretty offensive"

If you don't want to confront it at all, but they don't seem to want to stop talking about it, I've had a modicum of success with the following:

• "I don't think this is a good time to talk about that. Why don't you send me an email about it later?"
• "You're making things uncomfortable for me. I don't mind hearing your thoughts, just not at this volume or in this space."
• "Can we talk about this after (dinner, the game, family caroling, etc)?"

Of course, all those phrases are only useful if your or your family's rage is contained. My dad really likes to rile me up, so in those moments, I struggle to pull a rational response out of my brain. In that case it's more like: 

• "Why are you saying things you know will make me angry?" 
• "Are you being hurtful on purpose?"

I am lucky this year to be staying at home, so I won't have anyone to argue with necessarily. I was raised by two generations of women whose entire philosophy is "keep the peace at all costs," and it shows in the way I deal with hard conversations. If there's some way to have a real nuanced conversation at holiday family gatherings, I haven't learned it yet. Maybe it just depends on what kind of people are in your family? 

Good luck out there, and be kind if you can.

Attention Span vs Focus

Society is now structured in such a way that every event older than a few weeks may as well have never happened, because, as they say, Stuff Keeps Happening. Stuff has always happened, we just didn't know about it as instantaneously in quite as much volume. Speedy reporting isn't new, what has changed is our ability to focus, and how the news media tries to grab our attention away from doing that.

When the Titanic sank and its survivors boarded the Carpathia, one of the first things that happened was wireless calls back to shore. We can think of the wireless as the Twitter/Telegram/Whatsapp of the time. The information coming through was fast, frantic, and often inaccurate. They even reported that the Titanic was being towed to shore (it famously was not). What ended up in the next morning's paper was a fairly brief, surprisingly detailed account of the facts as they were known. Inaccuracies abounded, including the lists of names of those who were aboard. Waiting families had three long days at minimum before they could be certain of their loved ones' fates. The difference between the information at the time and information about disasters now is, in my opinion, a matter of attention. 

The sinking of the Titanic is one of the most studied, publicized, and re-enacted disasters in history, and I genuinely think it was because the pace of journalism hadn't yet outstripped out collective ability to stay focused. It's something I think about a lot these days, given how much information we're expected to care about all at the same time. There are four genocides happening in the world right now, and the Russian war in Ukraine is ongoing. And yet, we are inundated with shock headlines about the person who allegedly killed a healthcare CEO. (They've given him terrorism charges by the way--trying to make an example of him for the rest of us uppity poors.)

Attention span persistence is a thing we can train ourselves to do so we don't lose focus on the things that matter to us. The media will keep vying for our eyeballs, and keep throwing shit at us until we cease to function. So, today's action item is to practice focus. Follow a news thread as far as it will go before moving on to another.

I'm reading articles today about what politicians are doing behind our backs while we're angry in one way or another about the hot boi assassin. Next week we'll be asked to be angry about something else while the people in the recrudescence's cabinet prepare to quietly remove our rights and protections against the rich. We just have to train our brains not to let them do that to us anymore.

A Method of Connection

As I am sure people who know me are tired of hearing me say, I read mostly non-fiction, and am always prepared with a bit of hodgepodge, partially-recalled information. But my attempts at remembering the things I have read have mostly been for naught. For example, yesterday I found a copy of Foucault's Pendulum and while I do remember purchasing the book, I have no memory of reading it. But until very recently, I have never been the kind to buy books and not read them. And if it is a rare book that I read partially and do not enjoy, I am generally very good about giving it away in a local Little Free Library.

Somewhere along the path of my life, I have erased the memory of reading Foucault's Pendulum, and I have to wonder what other connections in my own mind have been erased. I am missing what feels like an important connection to past me. We know this about our brains. Memory does not work the way it does in the Benedict Cumberbatch version of Sherlock Holmes. We do not have "memory palaces" from which we can call up any piece of information. At best, we have a few bullet pointed notes taken during the lecture of our life's events and at worst, a hastily scribbled note in the margin of a tourist pamphlet we found on the ground of our childhood.

So how do we reconnect with our past self? Is it worth doing? We get so incensed when politicians change their minds when really what they are doing is just...being human. I know that I am a much different person than I was 20 years ago and did not have the same nuanced political views as I do today. Heck, even five years ago, I looked at things a lot differently. Pre-pandemic me didn't play nearly as many videogames. She ran a knitting group, worked at a yarn shop, and taught classes about fibercrafting. Fifteen years ago I didn't give a toss about public transit or bike infrastructure, and she certainly wasn't as anti-consumerist as I am now. Pretty sure, anyway. But maybe it's worth examining why I was the way I was back then. The only way I can conceive of to do that is to go back and read things I wrote. I have never been ritualistic about keeping a journal, but I have occasionally. Historically speaking, diaries and journals are one of the best primary sources we have for knowing the true human impacts of events. 

So for today, my action item is to go dig up my last daily journal and give it a read. Then, I'll sit it next to my bed with a pen in the hopes I'll actually start writing in it again. Couldn't hurt to start creating a connection today to the future me that will want to know about present me's day.

Perspectives

A few days ago, a friend sent me the link to a video about Tetris world records and how modern Tetris players have iterated on ways of playing to a point where the only way to improve is to push the buttons on the controller in a fundamentally different way. It's fandom, and sport, and innovation, and it's all in pursuit of "making number go up" in a way that the developers of the game never intended. I know several people who think that breaking videogames in that way is fundamentally the wrong way to play it and get very annoyed with speedrunning in general. I also know people who delight in breaking games and watching others do so. I am married to someone whose career has been made in games QA. (My spouse is one of those who enjoys watching people break games, for what it's worth.)

Regardless of your perspective on this, the diversity of humans allows for all perspectives to exist simultaneously. The degree of difference in perspective is nuanced and always complicated. The life experiences leading a person to have a certain perspective are unknown to us, the opposite perspective-holder. Luckily, when it comes to things like videogames, most of the time we agree to disagree and talk about something else when we encounter people who play them differently than we do, and we all agree that we love the game of Tetris.

It's fundamentally the same as being friendly with your neighbor even though their life seems way different than yours and you cannot understand how they would want to live like they do. The only difference is that with videogames we can just turn off or skip past that part of the community with which we do not agree. With a neighbor, they still are going to be there at the end of the day, every day, until one of you moves.

So, all of this is to say, today's action item is to practice shifting your perspective when you encounter someone who seems vastly different than you. What brought them to that place is unknown, but something did, and you can always find a way to be kind, even if it's just complimenting the color of their hair. Just make sure you mean it :).

Appeals to Authority

Today I watched a video about debunking claims. The video is a response to a pair of previous videos by the same person talking about nonviolent civil resistance as a method for change. The video I watched today talks about how the Youtuber received numerous comments claiming the data from the previous videos were flawed. But the commenters themselves sent the Youtuber to sources that immediately disproved their own claims, so why would they do that? 

The point of the video, I think, is to remind us that we have to be careful whose voices we trust, and not to take claims at face value. The Internet makes it easier than ever to do that, and it also makes it easier to pretend to be an authority where you are not. You can always, always find someone whose views reflect your existing preconceptions.

 

So today's action item is to click supporting links and data, and dig as deep as you have time for when you read big claims. Headlines lie, your favorite news source omits and edits headlines for its own aims, your pastor thinks they're saving your soul, your teacher needs you to pass a test that might be wrong, your parents just regurgitate what they heard, and you yourself will happily accept data that doesn't challenge your existing beliefs. Our brains don't like cognitive dissonance and will go to great lengths to preserve existing preconceptions. Learning is tiring, y'all.

But do it anyway I guess, because misinformation and disinformation is how fascism wins. So don't let it. If it's something that's not easy to dig into now, add it to your list of later-rabbit-holes. 

That's all I got for today. Kill your darlings, find the actual experts, and even then it's ok to find dissenting opinions and explore their claims as well. Still being kind to my neighbors, even the loud ones.

Protect Journalism

Sorry for missing yesterday. I had a rare good-brain day and got a lot done at work, and then the evening got away from me. I am only human. But today I have an easy action item!

One of the hills I will die on is the value of investigative journalism, freedom of the press--yes even though the mainstream media outlets are garbage--and the strength of information. It consumes a lot of my headspace. Well today I learned about an effort to pressure congress into passing H.R. 4250, the PRESS act. Forty-nine states and Washington D.C. have already passed state level journalism shields but it needs to be federal, and it needs to extend to the federal level. Right? If not now, when?

So, the Electronic Frontier Foundation (a trusted nonprofit boosting ethics in tech) has a nice and easy form to fill out. It finds your reps, provides some basic text (which it encourages you to change) and sends off the emails for you. It is worth doing. Through doing so, I also learned that the DuckDuckGo browser extension for Firefox will help you create essentially a masking email that forwards to your real one, so you can maybe avoid some of the inevitable political spam. Hopefully.

Anyway, it's a simple thing, and hopefully it passes. Be kind to your neighbor by being kind to your journalists. One might be the other, you know?

A Big Project to Plan

Today's action item is probably not one most people want to undertake and I'm not sure I even will fully. But I've gotten an idea for a book I want to write. The trouble is, I have to carve out time and space to write it. I already missed NaNoWriMo (though, my idea is not fiction so that's alright), but I haven't
missed the start of a new year. I have a shiny new planner for the year and I think I've just figured out how I want to use it. I'll block out time just for writing, which is something I haven't done in a long, long time. I wonder if I still even have the muscles for writing, or the grammatical prowess to back up the ideas.

The plan is going to be 3 hours of writing per week to start, and I'll spread it out based on my schedule, which of course is getting busier soon with a new D&D game, and hopefully an occasional online board game night with some friends. These "action items" I've been trying to write in the blog won't go on past the inauguration, since by that point I'll need to be doing instead of thinking about doing. But the book itself is separate from this. 

As usual, I've run out of writing time, so, again, today's action item is for me to carve out time to write, specifically, on this book idea. Cultivating my garden still, but a bigger project and focus in mind. Maybe writing about it last week got me motivated, who knows? Anyway, be kind to your neighbors.

Help Where You Can Part 2

It is "the holidays" which means every nonprofit is sending its letters asking for your money. I've even gotten emails from groups I've never donated to in the past, likely thanks to some professional fundraiser getting my email from somewhere.

But I thought I'd compile a list of where I am donating currently, in case I forget, or in case it helps other people.

Seattle Public Library Foundation
Wikipedia
The Northwest Immigrant Rights Project
Propublica
Seattle Parks Foundation
FairVote Washington

Though, now I've listed them, I just found a site that vets such things, and ... some of the chief officers of the most commonly known nonprofits are making just a LOT of money. More than even some for-profit CEOs. It really, really sucks that we have to check in on organizations whose purported purpose is to help people, but here we are. Disheartening, but still worth finding places to spend your money and time.

Further Reading

My first of these posts, starting just after the 2024 election, listed some folks to follow and some books to read. I am less happy to report my progress on the books has been slow, but following new voices has worked out pretty well. As for the books, I have started and put down both The Jungle and Poverty, By America several times due to the text being overwhelming to my wee heart.

Instead, here are some recommendations for silly little fiction books (they're not that silly) that aren't political at all (they are)! 

Babel by R.F. Kuang

The Mercy of Gods by James S.A. Corey

The Lost Journals of Sacajawea by Debra 

At year's end, I have read 32 books and finished 31 of them. Some were audiobooks, some were not. I'm pretty happy with that number. Of that, 15 were nonfiction, but the last 6 books I read were Fiction, so that's a pretty good indicator of where I'm at, emotionally. Not that the fiction books were light by any means. I still want to finish at least one of my heavy books before the end of the year, so ... today's goal is to make some progress on it.

Struggling today, but I'll still try to be kind to my neighbors.

Working

Today, I need to go to work, and I feel strangely motivated to get a lot done. This post will be brief, and will not have much to do with my work. Instead, here is a link to a substack newsletter article by Heather Cox Richardson that is currently relevant, and I think is so far the best response I've seen to recent events.

TL;DR, humans have always been a mixed bag of responses to the deaths/murders of those a majority has deemed corrupt, and history repeats itself.

So yes, very, very short today. Just, as much fun as it is to meme and laugh, remember that life is short and precious. Be kind to each other when you can.

A Little Escapism, As a Treat

I have a job that affords me some weekdays off, and today's one of those days. Today's leisure time will be filled with videogame chores. It's too cold to do the yardwork I need to do. So, it's into the aether to sort my inventory, do a little crafting, farm a little in game currency to get fancy wings, and then go fishing. In between those things will be some knitting on the couch.

When I get warm enough, and feel reasonably like extricating myself from blankets, I promise to do the load of laundry that needs doing, and maybe even clean a bathroom. But until then, I'll be here, color coding my Stardew Valley chests and using the planner to set up the ideal farm. And maybe some Webfishing, as a further treat with friends later.

I suggest you do the same (or your game of choice's equivalent). Today only though, tomorrow we have to do more work.

<3

Writing Prompts

I recently received a book, Kickstartered on a whim, called "The Book of Good Things." It contains a series of prompts and activities, and at the end it encourages you to call a phone number and leave a message for others to listen to. It then will publish those messages (if the caller gives permission) in podcast form so other Book Of Good Things enjoyers can listen to.

The book itself is small and will not take me long to complete, but it has already inspired me to revisit the idea of giving myself writing prompts. Today's post is late because I had to do my activity for the day first! So, here's a list of writing prompts I'm going to attempt to follow along with at a pace of one per week. I have further given myself the limitation of only writing these in my physical journal.

• What consistently makes you laugh out loud?
  
• What's the most interesting fact you've ever learned about your family?
• Describe something you really enjoyed making.
• Why did you decide to start doing these prompts?
• (from the Book of Good Things) What is the most interesting thing about humans? (not best, or worst, just interesting)
• Try to describe what you feel when you listen to your favorite song.
• Who did you encounter today, and why do you remember them?
• Think about the last 2 movies you watched and then try to link them with a common theme
• Describe your ideal cozy morning
• What was the last piece of news that made you angry? Work through that anger on the page.
  

These are a few I came up with while I was at work today, but I am hoping to think of more. Anyway, writing down or drawing things as close to when they happen or when you feeling them is the best we can do for accurately remembering things, because our memory itself is absolutely rubbish. Write or draw something today as accurately as possible. Then, in 1 year go back and read/look at it. It probably won't come back to mind in the way you wrote it down. Anyway, halfway through the week. I'm already tired.

Still being kind to my neighbor though.

Cultivating Gardens

The wintery temperatures have begun in earnest here in the PNW, once again stifling my annual desire to magically become a gardener and grow my own food. Maybe if I wasn't so busy optimizing a farm in Stardew Valley I might consider actual gardening, but as it stands, I will sigh and glance sadly at the few wilting herbs I did grow this year.

Despite my horticultural failure, I do have a few metaphorical gardens I can cultivate. I think Voltaire coined the original phrase about cultivating your own garden in an absurd world, and while many many philosophers have argued about what it means, my take is that instead of retreating from the hardship and absurdity of the world, we have to make ourselves stronger mentally, physically, and emotionally during the times of relative peace and calm.

So, for me, today's goal is physical. I started running awhile ago with the idea of just getting the recommended 30 minutes of heart-healthy exercise per day. But today I've started trying to get actively stronger. I've got feelers out in my BuyNothing group for a set of adjustable weights, I've found a list of bodyweight exercises to try out in various configurations, and have added "fitness" to the list of rabbit holes I'm allowed to go down as time permits. I have a lot of aches and pains, and I'm hoping a little extra core and arm muscles will help. Stamina and strength are my goals. I'm not super motivated by competition or big numbers going up, so I'm not going to really be formal about it. I figure I'll be strong enough when, the next time I need to move some furniture, I don't need a break halfway through. 

Don't forget to be kind to your neighbors.

Routines Continue

It has been nearly a month since half of the U.S. had its expectations upended. There is plenty of speculation as to why this happened, and people way smarter than me are welcome to continue wondering. It is, I suppose, historically important. But for those of us who are not employed in a way that requires us to keep up with that, we must, as they say, keep calm and carry on. For me, I learned the lesson after the last debacle election and deleted as many quick and easy ways to doomscroll from my phone as possible. If I want to look at the news, I have to actively use up a whole desktop computer screen for it.

I've also started keeping more information in my calendars and planners and notebooks. Any idea I have or thought that I want to explore later, I write it down. If the notion comes back to me later without having to look it up, I'll give in to the urge, and look it up. 

My brain does not work this way normally. I simply must know, most of the time, but I am starting to let go of that urge, because about half the time knowing makes me upset. And if I'm going to be upset, I want there to be dedicated time for it.

Another thing, and this is today's action item for me, is that I need to itemize my regular habits. Not so I keep doing them in the exact routine I'm doing or anything like that, but so I can tell if I start to spend too much time on doomscrolling or the like.

For example, I usually would some sort of chore(s), my d&d game, and cook something tasty for dinner on Saturday, but because d&d was cancelled, I literally did not do a single one of those things, and instead shrimped at my computer and played games all day instead. Not necessarily a bad thing, but noteworthy since I'm trying to be a little more community-focused. Instead of the videogames, I probably should have found some sort of community event to attend. Saturdays are great for those and my Saturdays are usually busy with d&d. 

So today I'm going to start tracking "the typical" and see what parts I can shift toward community action. We'll see if any of it sticks!