Hard Conversations

Next week is a major holiday in the U.S., and that brings with it visits to family, and often tense conversations with people who fundamentally oppose the things you believe in deeply. Part of me wishes I could be like Mrs. Frazzled on TikTok with her "gentle parenting adults" videos. In them, she talks to adults, often relatives, as though they were children, explaining such things as why "Happy Holidays" is not a war on Christmas, or how people using their pronouns is not hurting uncle Norm's body, just his feelings.

While I don't think infantilizing our relatives is a viable strategy for most of us, there are a few phrases I think will go a long way when someone states conspiracy as fact, or wants to dismiss objective reality out of hand.

• "Why do you say that?"
• "Where did you get that idea?"
• "That's a pretty big claim. Where's the data?"
• "I don't know if you know this, but what you said is actually pretty offensive"

If you don't want to confront it at all, but they don't seem to want to stop talking about it, I've had a modicum of success with the following:

• "I don't think this is a good time to talk about that. Why don't you send me an email about it later?"
• "You're making things uncomfortable for me. I don't mind hearing your thoughts, just not at this volume or in this space."
• "Can we talk about this after (dinner, the game, family caroling, etc)?"

Of course, all those phrases are only useful if your or your family's rage is contained. My dad really likes to rile me up, so in those moments, I struggle to pull a rational response out of my brain. In that case it's more like: 

• "Why are you saying things you know will make me angry?" 
• "Are you being hurtful on purpose?"

I am lucky this year to be staying at home, so I won't have anyone to argue with necessarily. I was raised by two generations of women whose entire philosophy is "keep the peace at all costs," and it shows in the way I deal with hard conversations. If there's some way to have a real nuanced conversation at holiday family gatherings, I haven't learned it yet. Maybe it just depends on what kind of people are in your family? 

Good luck out there, and be kind if you can.